Sometimes, when I’m attempting to locate a clean1 witness for service of a subpoena, the first tool I pull out of my arsenal of investigative techniques is…the white pages.
I know, sounds too simple but the listings in the online white pages (my personal preference) or the ones found in those old fashioned yellow/white books with thousands of pages that people still use…for some strange reason, have come through for me more times than I can count….even more than my most lovely treasure…Accurint.
Seriously.
The second thing I do is go to the Federal Government…the United States Postal Service.
I take a Boxbreaker2 to the nearest Post Office to my targets last know address and the US Postmaster provides me with a forwarding address, which good, upstanding citizens almost always use. Almost. The forwarding address can also be obtained using a blank envelope and mailing a letter to the last known address with the following words capitalized AND underlined:
I know, sounds too simple but the listings in the online white pages (my personal preference) or the ones found in those old fashioned yellow/white books with thousands of pages that people still use…for some strange reason, have come through for me more times than I can count….even more than my most lovely treasure…Accurint.
Seriously.
The second thing I do is go to the Federal Government…the United States Postal Service.
I take a Boxbreaker2 to the nearest Post Office to my targets last know address and the US Postmaster provides me with a forwarding address, which good, upstanding citizens almost always use. Almost. The forwarding address can also be obtained using a blank envelope and mailing a letter to the last known address with the following words capitalized AND underlined:
FORWARDING ADDRESS REQUESTED – DO NOT FORWARD
This usually comes back in a week and again almost always works as long as the forwarding address is on file with the USPS but it is not as quick and I LOVE fast results…that’s just me.
I was in line in the post office this morning with 2 Boxbreakers to drop on the local US Postmaster. I must have been waiting there for about 15 minutes in a line of about 12 people…maybe mailing late Fathers Day cards? Either way, I was tired and in need of coffee.
While waiting and trying not to fall asleep in line, a loooooong drawn out honk got my attention outside the building. Looking out the big picture windows of the office, I saw that the driver of a huge white Cadillac was attempting to do a U-Turn in front of the busy post office and seemed to be taking forever.
The driver of the Caddy apparently seemed to think that a 14 point turn is okay to do on a pretty busy street...typical.
After a lot of moving forward and backing up, the Caddy successfully parked itself across the street from the Post office…directly on the pedestrian crosswalk and about 2 feet away from the curb and into the street.
All I could really make out of the driver was that he/she was really short. I could also just see this persons hands that were reaching up and holding onto the steering wheel, and barely make out the top of their head.
After another minute, a little white haired old woman (80ish years young) slowly opened the door of the Caddy that easily weighed more than her and pulled herself out of drivers seat clutching a small brown package in her left arm.
She looked like a television Grandma. I mean, well, she looked like the kind of sweet old grandma that you expect to see in old black & white movies and television shows. She was very old school with her hair all done up and an emerald blouse with some black slacks and a ton of jewelry...so much that I could almost hear her bracelets jingling over the buzz of traffic through the large plate glass windows.
I watched as she walked across the crosswalk and towards the post office.
Walked may actually be too generous a word…because I have never seen anyone walk so slow before in my entire life. If her little legs weren’t moving, I would have thought she was just standing still in the crosswalk. Is that even possible? She just shuffled along really slowly, not even raising her head to look up in front of her or stop to see if traffic was going to stop for her.
Traffic DID begin to stop and pile up on one side of the crosswalk (closest to her car) and I could see that people were starting to get irritated. She paid them no mind and finally made it across the street even though it took her stopping traffic again for at least a block. I’m going to guess that it took her (no exaggerations!) about 5 minutes to cross the street and enter the doorway of the Post Office…thankfully nobody honked at her because that would have made me feel really bad for her.
Now, I’m usually a pretty good judge of people and when I looked at this old woman, all I could think was, what a sweet and brave old lady. Look at the lines on her face, I can’t even imagine the things that she’s seen and done! Wars? The Depression? Deaths? What have those old eyes seen?
The woman stopped at the end of the line that was now moving and shortened by half, looked up at the (now) 6 people still waiting in line and said, Oh F*ck. Ridiculous people. She then turned around and walked right out of the post office without another word and repeated the 5 minute ordeal to her car, got in, and took off...slowly.
Damn.
Two things came to mind. 1) All that shuffling around and I never imagined her to be an impatient curser and 2) I'm not looking forward to getting old(er).
I was in line in the post office this morning with 2 Boxbreakers to drop on the local US Postmaster. I must have been waiting there for about 15 minutes in a line of about 12 people…maybe mailing late Fathers Day cards? Either way, I was tired and in need of coffee.
While waiting and trying not to fall asleep in line, a loooooong drawn out honk got my attention outside the building. Looking out the big picture windows of the office, I saw that the driver of a huge white Cadillac was attempting to do a U-Turn in front of the busy post office and seemed to be taking forever.
The driver of the Caddy apparently seemed to think that a 14 point turn is okay to do on a pretty busy street...typical.
After a lot of moving forward and backing up, the Caddy successfully parked itself across the street from the Post office…directly on the pedestrian crosswalk and about 2 feet away from the curb and into the street.
All I could really make out of the driver was that he/she was really short. I could also just see this persons hands that were reaching up and holding onto the steering wheel, and barely make out the top of their head.
After another minute, a little white haired old woman (80ish years young) slowly opened the door of the Caddy that easily weighed more than her and pulled herself out of drivers seat clutching a small brown package in her left arm.
She looked like a television Grandma. I mean, well, she looked like the kind of sweet old grandma that you expect to see in old black & white movies and television shows. She was very old school with her hair all done up and an emerald blouse with some black slacks and a ton of jewelry...so much that I could almost hear her bracelets jingling over the buzz of traffic through the large plate glass windows.
I watched as she walked across the crosswalk and towards the post office.
Walked may actually be too generous a word…because I have never seen anyone walk so slow before in my entire life. If her little legs weren’t moving, I would have thought she was just standing still in the crosswalk. Is that even possible? She just shuffled along really slowly, not even raising her head to look up in front of her or stop to see if traffic was going to stop for her.
Traffic DID begin to stop and pile up on one side of the crosswalk (closest to her car) and I could see that people were starting to get irritated. She paid them no mind and finally made it across the street even though it took her stopping traffic again for at least a block. I’m going to guess that it took her (no exaggerations!) about 5 minutes to cross the street and enter the doorway of the Post Office…thankfully nobody honked at her because that would have made me feel really bad for her.
Now, I’m usually a pretty good judge of people and when I looked at this old woman, all I could think was, what a sweet and brave old lady. Look at the lines on her face, I can’t even imagine the things that she’s seen and done! Wars? The Depression? Deaths? What have those old eyes seen?
The woman stopped at the end of the line that was now moving and shortened by half, looked up at the (now) 6 people still waiting in line and said, Oh F*ck. Ridiculous people. She then turned around and walked right out of the post office without another word and repeated the 5 minute ordeal to her car, got in, and took off...slowly.
Damn.
Two things came to mind. 1) All that shuffling around and I never imagined her to be an impatient curser and 2) I'm not looking forward to getting old(er).
1. Clean – In reference to a witness. This means that the person has no criminal record, no reason to hide and is generally an upstanding citizen that has no idea I’m looking for him/her.
2. Boxbreaker – Slang for a form used by the United States Postal Service. Its called Request For Boxholder Information For Service Of Legal Process. Do you see why I just call it a Boxbreaker?
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