"I Killed Them...With Ice Bulle...Bla Bla Bla"

Ok, I swear this is the final post in my three part "I Killed Them...With Ice Bullets" series and quite honestly I thought it would come much later in the week, luckily I find myself waiting in the office for a return telephone call from a witness at 6:45 in the evening and I though what the hell, let me finish the story (or weekly sitcom as Magnum sarcastically called it) while I wait.

Ok, before I continue, make sure you've read Part 1 and Part 2 before you resume reading. Quite honestly you could start anywhere in the story, it's just about something that happened while I was working a case....no big thang!

Okay, so Mr. X begins to tell me how he was home one day, working on his computer, when he heard what sounded like firecrackers going off in his backyard. He looked out back and didn't see anything and he didn't know anything had happened until the cops showed up next door and informed him that someone had been killed.

While, Mr. X is telling me this, I'm thinking, Sweet Jeezus. I think I can see this dudes wee willy winky sticking out of his boxer shorts...oh gross. Wait a minute...What the hell does he have on his feet? He is wearing little athletic socks but I can hear a crunchy sound everytime he moves his feet on the floor.

Mr. X goes on to tell me a few more details about the murder that are both good and bad for our client then he tells me something I had suspected but had no way of confirming until now. He says, "You know, there were two other men involved in the murder than the ones that were arrested." I say, "Really? Why do you say that? " Mr. X had started to scratch his feet with a pencil through his socks and I could hear the distinct sound of aluminum foil and before he could answer me, I said, "Wow, you have some very crunchy feet." Did I just say that? Can I sound like a bigger fucking idiot?

Mr. X pulled off one of his socks to reveal a foil wrapped foot and goes on to explain that in ancient China, when farmers would develop serious cases of foot rot or in his case, the most horrendous case of Athlete's foot a man can have and still be able to walk, the farmer would smear farm animal feces on his feet and wrap them in bandages.

Mr. X said he didn't have any farm animal feces available so he decided to use his own. He was told that any foot ailment would be cured in a couple of days. As he was about to pull off one of his foil socks to show me, I told him it really wasn't neccessary.

In between controlling my gagging, I managed to tell him that it smelled like he was going on a couple weeks of shit therapy but he insisted he had just started a couple of days ago and his feet were improving, I just took his word for it.

I stood up to go and told Mr. X that maybe I could come by another time. He said that would be fine but next time he wanted a tape recorder brought to the intervew to record the conversation and assure that none of his statements are made into lies. I told him a tape recorder would be a great idea.

At this point, I was feeling weak, queasy, and confused from all the shit smell in that house and I just wanted to get out of there. Before I walked out the door he told me, "You know, I was saying earlier that there were two other men that were involved in the murder. Do you want me to tell you where you can find them?" Well, if you know where they are, it would be a good idea to tell authorities or someone, but I would love to know where to find them.

He stood in the doorway of his home again and said, "No, no authorities. I found the two men in my tool shed back behind my house. They broke into it after the murder and hid in it for two days before I found them. I saw some food wrappers near the shed door, that's how I knew someone was inside. When I opened the door, I didn't give em a chance to say anything. I told them I knew what they had done. They said they would pay me to keep my mouth shut. I told them it wouldn't be a problem...keeping my mouth shut, that is."

So where are they? Did they tell you their names? Mr. X says, "They're both still in my shed."

What the fuck? Now I'm queasy, irritated and fucking confused.

"They're still in your shed? I don't understand, it's been like two months since the murder? Mr. X just kind of looked at me like I was a moron and said, "I know. I killed them. I killed them...with ice bullets."