Love, Life, And NO Toilet Talk

Life is not going too badly for me.

I have a great job, I look forward to going to the office every time I wake up (even if it's 3 in the morning), I have great friends, and made some new ones recently that I hope to get to know better. My family is healthy in heart and mind...We're still recovering from recent losses...but like I've said before, life goes on for the living.

Financially, I've never been in a better position than I am now and it can only get better. Working for a Public Defender office gave me a lot of stability that I've decided is very important to me. I actually have a pension and 457 retirement plan for gawds sake! 6 years ago, I would have laughed at the idea of planning for the future but now I can't imagine not having one.

In the years before I fell into my PDI position, I worked for private investigation firms pimping out my services as a defense investigator. I scrapped for work but only if the case fit into what I felt was worthy of my time. I would work for clients that didn't have the money to pay me, but because I liked them I would take their cases.

The private world for me meant I was living paycheck to paycheck, where some months I was able to bill out $7,500.00 but I would have to sock it all away for the two months of non-paying clients and barely scraping by. I lived some weeks eating bean and cheese burrito's with a lunch of top ramen noodles because I was saving my money for gas money and the copying of court files. Although I was happy investigator with the work, I was more poor than most of my clients. My dad would always ask me when I was going to get a real job and I would always yell at him, this is a real job!

I was a good investigator but a fucking horrible businessman. The PD's office came along at the right time and I'm certain that it saved my life. So like I was saying, life is not going too badly for me...for the most part.

The Love part of my life is something that is less easy to talk about or even think about.

I've had a friend for the last few years that I only just realized, I'm madly in love with. I have only said the whole, I love you thing (and meaning it)...maybe twice in my life and this person is someone that has changed the way I look at everything and I can imagine telling her I love her every day of my life. As always, I can't go into too much detail of my involvement with her and there are a whole lot of issues that don't make it easy to just say, Let's be together! She knows how I feel and one of the main things keeping us from moving forward is distance between the two of us.

Unfortunately, for us, the distance thing won't change anytime in the near future and I sometimes wonder if it's a sign (do I really believe in signs?) that we just aren't meant to be together. I've found limited success in seeing other people...mostly because I end up comparing everyone to the person I really want to be with.

I'm in the position of now having to decide, do I somehow try and reign in my emotions for this woman I care immensely about and just try to be more open to the possibility that there might be someone else out there for me or do I just sit back and hold out hope that the right opportunity will come around for the both of us to be together? Hmmm? Yeah, I know, I can't expect anyone to really have the answer I'm looking for, the truth is I already know the answer but it's too pathetic to put into words.

I wish I could just roll some dice and stick with the outcome, whatever it might be.