I Hurt An Animal Today

I know this next post was supposed to be about love and life. Instead it is about me punishing a pet. I feel really bad about it, especially since the pet I'm talking about did not belong to me. The pet I'm referring to belongs to Blonde Justice.



For those that will criticize me for not having a life, I swear to you that I do. I did this in ten minutes while waiting to testify on case this afternoon.

I need a life.

Love, Life, And Proper (Courthouse) Urinal Etiquette

***WARNING - EXTREMELY GRAPHIC STORY/IMAGES TO FOLLOW***

I had the most disturbing thing happen to me at the office this last Friday. I had been in and out of our courtrooms and offices all day, working on some last minute requests with our attorney's, meeting with a couple of client's, generally keeping very busy but all the while hoping I was going to be able to get out early to beat the 3 day weekend traffic. Yeah, it didn't happen.

I did spend a bit more time than I should have, trying to get a hold of one particularly needy client who is always complaining that he can never get a hold of his attorney, even though he himself can never manage to make his court dates, resulting in more than a couple of bench warrants that are ultimately pulled when he shows up and begs for another chance. Really a nice guy, but sweet lordy he needs a new alarm clock to get his ass out of bed on time.

What is it about this needy client that was disturbing? Nothing, I just thought it was something interesting to tell you guys. The really disturbing thing happened when I went to use the men's room inside the courthouse.

It went down like this:

THE MOST DISTURBING INCIDENT

A Story Told In Pictures & Words

by Sanchovilla

When I need to take care of business at work, I usually use the employees bathroom because it gets less foot traffic than the public restroom that also happens to smell like about 150 assholes that have been sitting in the hot sun. I was in a hurry and I needed to go so I made the detour.

Yup, thats me in the bathroom. To the right, you'll see a juror that I had seen earlier in the hallway on a break now coming in to use El Bano. He really did say Sup Bro. For those not with it, Sup Bro = What's Up Brother? Odd question to ask someone standing at a urinal, no?

It wasn't until Mr. Juror was standing right next to me that I realized he was so frickin tall. He was probably about 6'11" and he wasn't really wearing a hat but I'm a pretty artistic dude, and I wanted to really make this image my own...so I did.

Oh yeah, did I mention that the Mr. Juror passed up more than SIX PEOPLE FREE URINALS to stand and pee next to me? Yeah, this really disturbed me in more ways that I can explain. It also didn't help that not only was he talking to me the entire time he took a whizz but he was also looking down at me the entire time. Probably judging me.

I was relieved when he finally left. I couldn't go while he was standing there talking to me less than 12 inches from face so I had to pretend I was peeing the whole time. I'm not proud.

I was wrong in assuming that most guys have read the Dude's Handbook To Being A Dude and would know better than to stand next to a man at a urinal knowing full well that there is at least 1 free urinal that he could should keep between him and the other guy. So which one should he have used?

It's so, so simple. Let's give eachother a little breathing and peeing room folks. I hate for stuff like this to ruin what would have been an otherwise wonderful day.

See, now I'm too tired to write about Love and Life...at least I spread the word about urinal etiquette. More about Love and Life later.

Oh Jeez, It's Pat...Again.

I will never again say anything bad about Reverend Pat "2 Ton" Robertson again.

You just don't talk crap about a man that could kill you using just his legs.

Just Peachy Is No More

It looks like Just Peachy has been removed from Blogger. I guess Peachy just didn't want to deal with all the crap that comes with running a blog and dealing with backlash from her posts. I can't say I blame her.

She was pretty new to our blawging thing and seemed pretty new to PD work. I also know she ruffled quite a few feathers about some posts on clients and the styles/techniques of other defense attorney's, which even some people in my office commented about.

I'm not here to say she was right or wrong but I am wishing she stuck it out with the blawg for a bit longer. I'm sure she is going to grow as an attorney as time passes, and hopefully someone, maybe a True Believer, will take her under their wing before she is as jaded as most opposing counsel...I wish you the best Peachy wherever you are.

I case you never read her blog, you can read excerpts from her blog over at Public Defender Stuff to see her posts and decide for yourself.

Note: Just for the record, I'm not a huge fan of James Woods. I think he's a pompous prick and the king of overacting. True Believer's only saving grace is Robert Downey, Jr.

Thank you very much, my name is Sancho Ebert.

Woohoo!!! The PokerStars World Blogger Championship!

I played in last years event but I got knocked out early on some stupendously stupid No Limit Holdem poker playing. I have had almost an entire year of reading and preparing for this years event...and I am SOOOO ready!

I have registered to
play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This
Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7330476

Shuffled Songs

(Just following Peekaboo's lead)

Alright, I shuffled the songs on my I-Pod and these are the first 5 songs that came up (not that anyone gives a rat's ass):

Take Warning - Operation Ivy
Beatles - Obla Di Obla Da
Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved (Please no comments on this one)
December - Weezer
Marriage of Figaro - Mozart

Yup.

More Jesus = More Better? You Decide.

First off, please don't think I'm not going to discuss my screwed up love life, just let me talk a bit about the bearded guy you see below.

Everyone is trying to out Jesus the Christian next door with this Anti-Da Vinci Code stuff. I'm really surprised at all the protests about the Da Vinci Code...really, I am. I mean, the book has been out for 3 years now (yes, it was published in 2003) and is reported to have sold over 30 million books worldwide (as of 08/22/2005).

The Da Vinci Code has been talked about on so many news programs, made for television documentaries, countless websites, that I can't even keep track, and now that it's a movie, the religous folk have decided to put down their collective feet and stop people from going to see it?

I decided to see for myself what all the fuss was about so I visited some old friends at The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property (TFP) and read up a little bit on their position on all of this. It's pretty much what I expected but I was most pleased to see that they have downloadable posters to take to your nearest Da Vinci Code protest...

Here is my favorite:

Now, I made some very slight changes to the actual poster that I'm going to be carrying into the movies this weekend, which reads something very close to the following:

Yes, I realize that there is a good chance that I will be struck by lightning when I hit the streets to see the movie (or at the very least, hit by a brick) but I hate to think that the church where I was once a member in good standing, has turned into a bunch of misdirected lemmings.

More later...

For The Love Of G*d!!!

Someone try and pass along this message to Skelly over at Arbitrary and Capricious before its too late!

THERE IS A TSUNAMI HEADED TOWARDS THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST!!!

Well, at least according to the Rev. Pat Robertson. Apparently G*d passed him the message during some sort of spiritual retreat and although it may not necessarily happen in the next hour...it will happen in 2006.

My only question is: Will Pat Robertson ever just SHUT THE HELL UP!

Maybe only G*d knows?

A Simple Lesson In URL Background Investigations

I just realized that I haven't completed a post in almost a week. I mean, I've got a ton of posts in draft form with links that I want to share but I didn't have the heart to finish them...I guess it was a clue that if I was having trouble finishing/writing them, then I couldn't really expect my three regular readers to waste time reading them.

Shame on me.

I've been busy with work and had a little drama in my personal life which always seems to throw me for a loop. I'll talk about the personal life later when I can admit that I've fallen in love and I'm a mess...oh, I guess I just admitted it.

The only really interesting thing going on with work lately revolves around the research I've been doing on a felony case involving prostitutes and pimps. It's really amazing that once something is published on the web, how easy it is to recover, even if the webpage has been brought down. In this case, photographs and complaints (involving moral turpitude) about key prosecution witnesses.

What the hell am I talking about? Let me give you a simple example...

Let's say I'm doing research on Google and I want to see what the Google website looked like in 1998. I go to the

Internet Archive using something they like to call The Wayback Machine, type in www.google.com in the search bar and I get something that looks like this:

I can now click on the December 2, 1998 link and I get a view of the Google webpage from that date and get a few of what Google looked like 7 years ago:

Yes, I know I could have used a better example but I wanted to keep it simple. Remember, not all webpages are archived and not all dates are covered but it's about as good a site as I have found (yes, it has Google cached sites beat!) to do some good ole fashioned URL sleuthing. I found some webpages I used to run in my nerd days in the 90's and it was a kick to go through them all...even with working links! Try it for yourself with some of your favorite websites.

(Note: Yes, it IS possible for this to be useful in our line of work. The case I used this The Wayback Machine on, involved a prosecution witness who used to work as an escort and ran her own webpage that had been taken down several years ago...thankfully it had been archived and I've been able to develop some good leads and background info from it that would never have shown up anywhere else.)

More later...I have to make it home in time to watch the greatest show on earth (LOST) and also wish my good buddy Elliot a safe trip home from my dirty little secret pleasure...American Idol.

Another Gentle Reminder

To the 3 regular readers of this blog and those who get here inadvertently through searches for good ole fashioned American (sometimes) fetish porn:

We have a legal blogger (a Blawger) in our midst who has written a book.

The book is:For the record, I am not benefiting from this book pimping. Not a dime. So don't try and accuse me of trying to make a couple of bucks for mentioning it. I mean c'mon, I'm not sure how happy his publishers would be to have his book mentioned just above a post on Massive Plastic Testicles For Trucks. Right?

David fought in the legal trenches just like many of us do every day, and I think this book is going to be a great eye opener for those law abiding citizens whose only contact with the justice sysetm is watching a re-run of Law & Order on their TiVo every night. It is a great opportunity to bringing his story and our client's stories to the masses. I mean, just read the book description from Amazon.com:

A young lawyer's outrageous and heartbreaking long day's journey into night court.

If M*A*S*H took place in the Bronx instead of Korea and was about lawyers and judges, not doctors and officers, it would look a lot like INDEFENSIBLE, David Feige's darkly funny and thrilling account of an ordinary day in the complicated life of a public defender in the South Bronx. In the span of a single day we meet murderers and misdemeanants, loutish lawyers, and vindictive judges. We race from courtroom to courtroom, judge to judge, and defendant to defendant, in a shocking behind-the-scenes look at big city justice as it really happens.

This is a book full of black comedy and outrage, of unforgettable characters and situations. Written with the verve and insider know-how of a John Grisham thriller, but with the social conscience of a Barbara Ehrenreich, INDEFENSIBLE has real crossover potential--and should ignite a profound debate about law and order in America. It puts a human face on the terrifying systemic failures that make American criminal justice the dirty little secret of our time.

Cool huh?

Okay, So let's support a fellow brother and if you can't afford to buy the book, then at least check it out at your local library.

Cheapskates.

It's All Good...I've Got A Huge Pair Of Balls On My Truck.

***WARNING***
IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO TOPICS OF A SEXUAL NATURE
- STOP READING -

I pulled into the courthouse parking lot this morning and as I was walking in, I passed an oversized and lifted truck similar to this one:

Do you see the little arrow I stuck on there? Ya see where its pointing? Good.

I've seen these Nutsack's-On-A-Truck on the freeway but I've never really had a chance to really examine them. Being the curious investigator that I am, I took out my digital camera case and as I was taking the lense cap off in preparation of a close-up of these truck testicles, the door to the truck swung open.

The woman that stood on the chrome door step, then jumped about 2ft down to the asphault in her semi-high heels, was about 5'2, petite, blonde hair, with a nice build...yeah, she was a pretty good looking little Betty. She was also the court clerk to a very fair judge in our county. I'd never actually been introduced to her before but our conversation went something like this:

Hot Clerk: Hi.

Me: Oh, hey (quickly ditching the camera back in my bag), howya doin?

Hot Clerk: Is everything okay?

Me: Oh yeah, sure, I'm Sancho from the PD's office by the way.

Hot Clerk: I know, I've seen you around the courthouse. I'm Hot Clerk.

Me: Nice to meet you. I was just admiring the testicles on your truck.

Hot Clerk: (Laughing) Oh my gawd, aren't they horrible!?

Me: Ummm, they're big.

Hot Clerk: Yeah, they're kind of like my boyfriends real balls, just as useless but much
larger and with less hair.

Me: Wow.

Hot Clerk: This is his truck, I mean I own it, I'm the one making payments on it, but he is the one that works on it gets to drive it around most of the time. I keep telling him to take them off but he says they're funny.

Me: What do they do?

Hot Clerk: (giggling...yes, I said giggling) I think you know what testicles do.

Me: Ummm, yeah. You're the one with a huge plastic scrotum hanging from your trailer hitch...you should freak your boyfriend out and get a plastic vagina to hang from your trailer hitch!

Hot Clerk: Why would I do that?

Me: Why the fuck do I have to keep talking and ruin everything? Oh you know, just to be...funny...or jokey...you know...just for a laugh.

Hot Clerk: Yeah, I guess I could.

Me: Well, nice meeting you.

Hot Clerk: See ya!

Now, you might be surprised to learn that what this post isn't about how pointless it is to have testicles hanging from your vehicle. The real purpose of this post is about how the Hot Clerk told me that her boyfriends balls were useless and hairy!

Do all women really talk about their boyfriends/husbands like this behind their backs? I've had girlfriends in the past that were good friends with other female friends of mine and I've later found out that pretty much her entire circle of close, female friends was familiar with the numerous intimate details of our personal/love life, like: how I once ruined a romantic evening she had planned for us (in a spectacular fashion), how we once had sex in her office...a couple of times, how I thought that she looked like a famous movie star and that she HATES that particular movie star...with a passion but she never had the heart to tell me, how she wanted to be more dominant, how we played dress up once but I ruined it because I couldn't stop laughing at an outfit she put me in, and finally, how she is the one responsible for making me a better boyfriend and that the future women in my life should thank her! Yes, she said it!

Ugh. I blame this all on those stupid nuts-on-a-truck. More later...I'm getting hungry and grouchy.

Justice Served Here...Steaming Hot!

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really good with work, my family, and my personal life, I like to punish myself by visiting websites like this:

Really, you should check the site out. If you agree with it, more power to you, but if you're a thinking American like me, and not some xenophobic drone, then you might just be appalled as I am as to how hateful mothers can really be.

I spent 18 years of my life living a few miles from the Mexican border, working with immigrants (documented and undocumented). I have NEVER seen or heard of a RAPE TREE (Click on the Link and go to Slide 45). The Rape Tree story is complete bullshit! It's fear mongering at it's finest!

Yeah, I know, I know. I look at crap like this mainlky to punish myself and keep in mind that even people who only mean well, can be assholes and morons who use children and fear as an excuse to hate.

Okay, I'm ready to move on.

I've been away from the computer (and office) lately because of a trial that ended today. It was a misdo DUI case which was really, just a run of the mill DUI case (besides the fact that our client crashed his car) and in the words of our judge, "not a superbly strong case for the people."

We had some good facts and a couple of prosecution witnesses that I interviewed and culled some great information from...yeah that's right, I culled them and I culled them good! Anyhoot, it was one of our new misdo attorneys who did the trial and although she had plenty of Juvenile trials under her belt, this was her first Jury trial and she was super nervous.

I sat through

Voir Dire with her, and also most of the trial, up until I testified for about 20 minutes. Anyway, long story short, we received the verdict today...Not Guilty! It was a really great win for her on a case that a lot of the more senior attorney's weren't so sure about her taking to trial. It was just really good to see a young attorney, work hard for her client, follow her gut instinct, and allow justice to be served...steaming hot I might add!

Ahhh...I'm just happy, I don't know what the hell I'm saying now.

More later...

Arizona...The Cutting Edge Of Criminal Justice?

Ahhhh, what can be said about old school Sheriff Joe Arpaio from Maricopa County in Arizona?

I guess you could say that he is a man who definitely doesn't shirk the spotlight and he loves to be on the cutting edge of criminal justice...sort of. If you mean flooding the Public Defender and District Attorney with arrests of illegal immigrants for, "...conspiracy to smuggle themselves into the country," then you and him see eye to eye on the subject.

I'm still not quite sure how Arpaio and his "Posse" of 3,000 regular law enforcement and "volunteers" are going to, "...patrol the Phoenix area and arrest any illegal immigrants." I mean, if you've never been to Phoenix (I think the biggest city in Maricopa County), it is full of brown skinned individuals (mostly Mexican).

Is being brown, enough PC to pull someone over or stop them on the street and ask for their papers?

(Photo From CNN)

You Know...Hypothetically Speaking

Yes, I have finally decided to post some actual investigation related material on this here blog. It’s been a bit of a rough few months on the personal side of things for me and I just needed to take a few days for myself after I got some bad news last week. Now, I’ve had some time to think about things and I’m ready to keep on livin and learnin.

It seems that lately, there are good number of investigation positions opening up in many Public Defender Offices around the country. The application process is usually fairly rigorous and it involves an initial interview, and at least a follow-up interview. Some counties even require a written examination.

ALL applicants have to submit to one thing that remains a constant in all the investigator interviews I've conducted and submitted to...Investigator Hypotheticals. There is sometimes a correct answer to them and more often than not, the interviewers just want to see how you respond and how you support your answer.

I have a few hypothetical’s starting from obvious to not so obvious. I have a few more that I’ll share someday but I’m just curious to see how people respond to these:

Hypothetical #1: You are the lead investigator on a murder investigation and are assigned to speak to the only witness to the murder. You quickly finish the interview and submit your Investigation Report to the attorney assigned to the case. The following day, your report is in your inbox along with a post-it note that says, “Great report, I just need you to delete the last two paragraphs from the interview with the witness.”

What do you do?
What do you do if changes are made without your approval?

Hypothetical #2: You travel to a client's home on a case involving his/her possession of narcotics for sale/distribution. After a lengthy meeting, you prepare to leave and as you are about to leave there is a knock at the door…Your client answers it and you find yourself face to face with an individual that you know to be an undercover police officer. This undercover officer has testified on some of your past cases and it is obvious he is not there to just say hello.

What can you say/not say to your client?

What (if anything) can you do?

Hypothetical #3: You are assigned an investigation into a non-injury shooting that took place on a weekend at an elementary school. The weapon used in the shooting is never found but your client is picked out of a line-up. You go to the school to interview potential witnesses, and in your very thorough investigation and grid search of the area where the shooting took place, you stumble across a handgun buried in thick grass, matching the description of the one used in the shooting.

Are you under any obligation to report it?
What (if any) steps do you take to document the weapon and its location?
If you decide you are not under any obligation to report it, does it matter that the gun is possibly loaded and children will probably stumble across the weapon as you did?
Does the children’s safety override the obligation you have to serve your client?

A Letter To My Friend

Bird,

I will always have a smile on my face when I think of you and the adventures we had with our motley crew. I will always remember the graciousness, and generosity you showed me when I lost my way on the path, I only wish I had a chance to catch up with you before yours ended.

Wherever you are, I hope you've finally found the peace you couldn't find in life.