When Defendant's Represent Themselves

***This was re-posted today because the new Beta Version of Blogger burped and deleted part of my earlier post. At least I'm blaming it on Blogger.***

A definition from the sourcebook for people representing themselves in court related matters, The Nolo Press:

Pro Per - A term derived from the Latin in propria, meaning "for one's self," used in some states to describe a person who handles her own case without a lawyer. In other states, the term pro se is used. When a nonlawyer files his own legal papers, he is
expected to write "in pro per" at the bottom of the heading on the first page.

People acting In Pro Per, I've seen it done many times in misdemeanor cases. On a few stinkers, I've even seen the defendant get an acquittal, but its been rare. Its just not something that is recommended to any defendant but how bad does it have to be that you won't even take a free attorney? It never makes sense.

I bring this up now because jury selection is about to begin on an old murder case an investigator friend of mine (Investigator X) worked on, in which the defendant went pro per (against the advice of the court). The defendant has some underlying mental issues but has insisted on representing himself (still with the help of an attorney to "oversee" his case).

Investigator X said that he was in court for the last hearing and predicts that its going to be, "a circus of a trial but, like a drunk woman dry humping a friend at the bar, I'm still going to watch it...out of the corner of my eye."

He said it, not me. Although I tend to agree with him.

There is an ongoing case in San Jose, California that is being covered by the Mercury News involving the defendant, Dean Schwartzmiller (a convicted child molester) who is representing himself in a criminal case involving multiple counts of sexual molestations.

An interesting/creepy moment during the questioning of a victim/witness by Schwartzmiller which also brings to light a good reason not to represent yourself (besides making yourself look like a creepy asshole):

The man in the witness box had not seen Dean Schwartzmiller in 36 years -- since he was 16 and was allegedly molested by Schwartzmiller in a car.

The witness spoke in low, measured tones in a dead quiet courtroom as he recounted the humiliating experience for the prosecution.

Then Schwartzmiller, serving as his attorney, began his cross examination.

``Did you ever kiss me on the lips?'' Schwartzmiller, 64, asked.

A female juror cringed.

To legal experts, Schwartzmiller's line of questioning was a mistake. If Schwartzmiller continues in that hostile fashion with witnesses who testify they were abused by him years ago, he risks alienating the jury, experts said.

``A lawyer would be very concerned about revictimizing the victims,'' said Laurie Levenson, who questioned Schwartzmiller's decision to reject a public defender.

If I'm a defense attorney/client, I don't want my jurors cringing at anything but a stupid joke.

You can read a little more of background on the case here. As always, the Mercury News does a great job on following active cases with some superb coverage and writing.

If You Haven't Added Her To Your Bloglist Already...

Anita Witness.

She's made the cut in my book. Good solid posts with great links and info.

She had made a great post on yesterday (Spy Who Loved Me) on love/relationships involving clients/witnesses...something we've come across here.

Check her out again!

Declined To Answer Questions?!?!

Lunchtime Blawgging...

My buddy in a county just a couple of hours north of me, emailed me this story so I guess I can call it kind of 'local story.' It's nothing really some outrageous crime or something completely out of the ordinary or special but while you're reading it, please pay special attention to the words in the photograph of the teenager and then read the second to the last line of the story:

Vacaville man arrested in stabbing of mother

By Reporter Staff TheReporter.Com

A young Vacaville man was arrested Monday at his home moments after he reportedly stabbed his mother, authorities said.

Jesse McGowan, 18, was subsequently booked into Solano County Jail on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.

Diana McGowan, 49, suffered a stab wound to the shoulder and was transported by ground ambulance to Vaca-Valley Hospital. The injury was not life-threatening, police said. Around 12:15 p.m., police responded to Del Loma Court in the Casa Grande Mobile Home Park for a report of a stabbing. Officers met with the victim, who identified her son as her attacker and said she had called for help from a neighbor's home.

Once the woman was moved to safety, officers surrounded her home and ordered her son out of the residence. He complied, and was arrested without incident.

Further investigation revealed that an argument regarding school issues had erupted prior to the violence, Sgt. Scott Wright said. The teen subsequently stabbed his mother with a small boning or fillet knife, he said. The weapon has been seized.

Thus far, the teen has chosen not to speak with police, Wright said.

The matter remains under investigation.

Yup. Whaddya gonna do?

In other not so good news, Walter Wood, a criminal defense attorney/Public Defender/ex-Judge in Madison County, Mississipi allegedly boned down on an inmate (female) at the Madison County Detention Center.

Here is a snippet of how the top cops got Wood (I'm cracking myself up here...yes, I realize I'm alone on this):

Sheriff Toby Trowbridge said the matter first came to the attention of jailers after one
noticed the inmate had "wet spots" on her shirt. Thinking nothing of it, the jailer dismissed it.

Last week, another jailer noticed Wood standing in an interview room, pressed against
the wire mesh that separates the inmates.

After the two jailers "put two and two together," Trowbridge said, the woman was interviewed by a Sheriff's Department investigator.

Yeah, it's been a slow blogging week...give me a break!

(Photographs from the Vacaville Reporter and the Clarion Ledger)

John Mark Karr Tidbits

Our very own Greg Worthen of the Public Defender Investigator Network and PD Stuff has a front seat to the drama unfolding in the case of John Mark Karr. It appears that two private attorney's from the San Jose (CA) Bay area are trying to stake their claim to represent Karr, who is in custody for allegedly being involved in the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey.

It's quite possible that Greg won't be able to talk about it but DAMN IT...who better to show the world that a competent Public Defender Office is better suited to represent a client than some out of state yahoo's?

Important Note: Although they(the attorney's) hail from my state, I still don't consider myself a yahoo...yet.

***08/28/06 2: 58 pm - UPDATE***

Karr has been released due to lack of DNA evidence!

A Mishmash Of Stuff

No, this isn't really investigation (Defense) related but it does touch a bit on missing children and law enforcement in foreign countries. Besides, I don't have too much time during my lunch hour to post anything really pertinent to the title of my blawg.

There is all this hubub on the story about Natascha Kampusch, the no longer missing girl in Austria that was found after being abducted 8 years ago. She was able to escape and get help from a neighbor near the house where she was living in a small room under the garage. The home belonged to a man who was later found to have committed suicide as a result of her escape, he actually went out in a blaze of glory...jumping in front of a train.

Here is a picture of young Natascha at about the time she was abducted:

Here is a picture of her now...well, its a picture of her with blankets covering her head:

If you are really interested in the story, go read the link to the Washington Post coverage above. I really have nothing insightful or groundbreaking to add to her amazing story, BUT...

For me, the REAL story is actually in the photograph above...the FAR LEFT side of the photograph!

Look closely:

Do you see what I'm talking about? Yes...Yes....I'm so happy you see it too!. I am also wondering how they get multi-colored hair, hot chick cops in tight police uniforms on the force in Austria and here in the United States we get female officers with mustache's and arms that will crush your windpipe like an aluminum can. Why!?!?!

I'm just wondering. Sweet Jeezus I'm pathetic.

'Justice' Comes In Many Forms

Not to be confused with In Justice, American Justice, Blonde Justice, Blind Justice, or even Justice League...'Justice' is a new television show based on a high profile (read Private) Criminal Defenseattorney and the high tech and fancy methods (read apparently nothing a Public Defender is capable of doing) he and his team of young attorney's use to defend their infamous clients.

How in the hell did I miss this new show, I have no idea. The plus is that a new television show based on Criminal Defense is out there, the negative is that there is still no show based on a Public Defender office. I really do think a dramatic series (with a touch of humor) would be MUST SEE TV but, I'm just a PD Investigator. What the hell do I know about television and what the public wants to see?

The premise from Television.Aol.Com:

Four disparate lawyers are the "dream team" behind the firm of Turk, Nicholson, Tuller & Gaines. Ron Turk is the media darling; he's great at getting his way, but juries hate him. Tom Nicholson is the heart of the firm whose "Everyman" manner makes him Ron's alter-ego. Luther Gaines is a famous litigator in the African-American community and has the uncanny ability to assess a case from both the prosecution's and the defense's perspectives. Lone female Alden Tuller is an ambitious clinician who approaches each case analytically. Together, they'll tackle the most controversial and newsworthy cases around.

The show premieres on Wednesday, August 30th on FOX. Personally, I hope its good but I don't know what its prospects are considering it has a low Hot Chick Ratio (3 main male characters to 1 Hot Chick). They need to do something about that...quickly.

(Photograph from TV Squad and Fox)

Reuter's News Service = A Bunch Of Hooey

I sometimes play with the idea of starting my own news service. I'll sit at my office all day and think of fantastically obvious and moronic things to update and send out to the world. The most recent example is from Reuters:

THREE POINTS, Arizona (Reuters) - Illegal immigrants and drug traffickers are using dilapidated bicycles to make a swift, night-time dash over the desert to Arizona from Mexico, border police say.

Yes, folks, the big news is that Illegal Immigrants coming into the United States...

USE BICYCLES!!!

Here is the kicker, the Reuter's reporter interviewed a border patrol agent (Agent Nutwell) who says:

Nutwell said agents also found bicycles that had been rigged with special frames to carry bundles of marijuana along the back roads that crisscross the lonely stretch of desert. "It's just one of the ingenious forms of smuggling that we come across; there's no end to it."

I have to tell you that I have first hand knowledge and experience living and working on a good portion of the California-Mexico border which I don't think is any more special than the Arizona-Mexico border and I have to say that bicycles are NOT a new mode of transportation. They are cheaper than cars and if you get a flat you can just dump it. Big whoop.

There is also this little nugget that just cracks me up:

Nutwell said agents also found bicycles that had been rigged with special frames to carry bundles of marijuana along the back roads that crisscross the lonely stretch of desert.

I have no doubt that there are drug smugglers using bikes to transport drugs but I can't imagine there being many. I have also seen some of these bicycles with special frames (Special Frames = Wires holding crates together on the bike) and I hate to break it to them but the one thing you need in the desert is water and the immigrant knows this better than anyone. The bikes make it easier to carry water and food.

I have to ask myself, why is this news? Does it by any chance have anything to do with my favorite Super Right Wing-Conservative-Xenophobic-Christian Pat Buchanan and his new book predicting the destruction of America at the hands of immigrants? The worst part is that his book has hit #2 and supposedly #1 on Amazon.com.

Yeah, I almost shit my pants when I saw it myself but unfortunately it's true.

I guess I'm mostly outraged that this is even news, so I'll stop my pointless rant now. I'm just arguing with myself and maybe I'm the only one that is outraged that these people are trying to make every immigrant you see on the news or on the street into this maniacal criminal mastermind who only wants to smuggle drugs into the US, make babies, live on welfare, steal from good honest Caucasian Americans, and slowly take over the country.

Or maybe I'm just overreacting.

(Photo from Reuter's...yeah, I had to use their picture BUT I didn't want to!)

That's Just How I Roll

I have a new favorite television show and quite possibly a new potential woman to stalk woman to daydream about.

The show is Weeds:

And the new woman in my ever increasingly pathetic life is Mary-Louise Parker:

I picked up the first season on Netflix (completely by accident) and just finished watching it this weekend. I have to say that the idea of a suburban mother who makes a living dealing weed did not really peak my interest when I first heard about it and when I found out that my Capote DVD had somehow been replaced on my queue by Weeds...I was irritated.

Well, I was mostly irritated at myself because I'm sure I unknowingly clicked Add after looking at the show description some day in the last couple of weeks. I would love to say that I could blame it on my girlfriend but does it count when a guy has a girlfriend that nobody knows about except her? I didn't think so either.

But I'm talking about Weeds right? Right.

Sooo, to make a long story short. The show is flippin fantastico! It's short for those with a limited attention span and the characters (besides being extremely likable) are also like none you're going to find in any other criminal family drama. The 1st season is on 2 DVD's with a few good extra's but it's very much worth an addition to your Netflix. It's got crime, comedy, drama, sex on cars, sex in cars, a guy getting a tennis racket shoved up his ass for fun....and so much more!

The new season (#2) started last week, but unless I get cable again or have a friend Tivo it for me, I'm shit outta luck till season 2 comes out on DVD. So if you're out there and a fan, let me know if season 2 is fullfilling your expectations.

Damn you expensive cable television, Damn you all to hell!!!

You Say Tomayto, And I say Tomato!

The Facts Of The Case:

Approximately three months ago, Client Smiley was kicking back at his home with friends and
family. Police officers were also at his home, kicking it too....well, actually they were kicking down his front door.

Smiley lost his 4th sometime in the last couple of years for unrelated drug issues in his past and his house received the fine tooth comb treatment. Being the gigantic drug house that it is, some weed (maybe two good size buds) and Vicodin (about 15 pills) are found in a coat draped over a kitchen chair.

That's it.

Smiley denies ownership/knowledge of the contraband, Smiley wears an XL and the coat is a
Medium size army jacket. Smiley also has (so he says) better taste and would never be caught dead in an olive green army jacket. Oh yeah, and Smiley is looking at possible Prison time for two buds and a small handful of pills.

Smiley says he is going to find out whose jacket it was and he would provide me the name of said jacket owner. Yup, if I was Smiley, I'd damn sure track down the owner of the jacket too but the reality is that I've heard this story a million times before: Yeah talk to (insert generic friend with no last name here) he/she can tell you that the (Insert Item that can hold drugs here: wallet, bag, pants, coat, car, shoes) don't belong to me and they'll tell you who it belongs to.

Yeah, I hear a story similar to this about once a week.

Background On Smiley:

Smiley is not a violent criminal, but he is a lifetime druggie with a long history of drug use going back to when he was in high school. Smiley is 34 years old but looks like he could be 50. He has been going to drug classes for the last couple of years and has managed to stay clean (not a common thing). It should be noted that Smiley tested clean when they did a drug screening on him immediately after his arrest.

My Job:

Smiley was able to give me the name of the owner of the jacket, Mr. Devon Hendricks (obviously last names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved in this case) and a telephone number.

I called the number, talked to Devon and he showed up at my office an hour later for an in-person interview. I took his name and contact information, and took down his statement. Devon says that he smokes weed on occasion and he hurt his back on the job some weeks ago and bummed some Vicodin from an ex-girlfriend's house. The jacket belonged to him...not Smiley. I slap a subpoena on him and tell him I'll see him in court on August 8, 2006.

Son of a bitch. Finally a story that came true!

Whats Happening Now:

Fast forward to August 9, 2006. There is a Bench Warrant out on Devon for not showing up to court last week. I do my thing and track down an old address for him (he recently moved out of the address he provided to me at the time of our office interview). I make contact at the new previous address and talk to a woman named Sandy Hendricks. Sandy says that there is no Devon Hendricks at the house and I must be confused. I tell her no...I'm certain that this is a place he used to live at and she is somehow related to him. I run down a list of other family members they share and she says Nope, I still think you have the wrong house...I'm sorry...and she closes the door on me.

Maybe I fucked up? Maybe I read the database reports incorrectly? Maybe the neighbors at the old address led me down the wrong road?

Damn it.

Fast foward again to today...August 15, 2006. In a last ditch effort I contact Sandy again by telephone. I give her the same info I have her last time and she says, You know, someone came by here last week asking for someone named Devon but he has never lived here before, I wish I could help you. I'll tell you the same thing I told them...Devon don't live here!

Dead end...mounting frustration.

Well, it was worth a shot, thank you for your time. We shoot the shit about a local football team and how great they are going to do this year...and then...just before she hangs up, she says something that almost makes me cry:

Sandy: You're not talking bout my son Dvonne are you?

Me: What? You have a son named Devon? Devon is your son?

Sandy: No, I don't know any Devon...but Dvonne is my son.

Me: Oh. So your son Dvonne...is his birthday XX-XX-1983?

Sandy: Yeah.

Me: Does he know Smiley?

Sandy: Uh, yeah he knows Smiley...they is cousins!

Me: I thought you said...

Sandy: I told you I don't KNOW a Devon but Dvonne is a whole nother matter. Thats my blood!

Me: Right.

Sandy: Well Dvonne is at work. You want me to leave him a message or you want to call him at work?

Someone pass me a gun or maybe even some rat poison. I'd like to put myself out of my misery as quickly as possible but without making a big mess.

New Defense Investigator Blog

Thanks again to Skelly for the heads up on another blogging Criminal Defense investigator, Anita Witness:

I'm told that inside a holding cell area, in another county than my own, is graffiti that says,"My father was locked up here, I was here, now my son is here. When will it end?"

My public defender friend told me that each time he walks by the graffiti, he's tempted to scribble the response:"When your family stops committing crimes."

This always makes me chuckle. I wish the answer was so easy tho.

It seems as though the blog has undergone a few changes since it started (including the name) but you can now read Anita Witness here.

If you get a chance, drop her a note and welcome her aboard the blawging bandwagon!

A Blast From The Past!

I'M A PD speaks! After almost a year, IMAPD has popped her head back into the Blawging waters...I for one am hoping she sticks around.

I just re-read my last post, and I'm choking back tears. I feel like crying because it's been a long time since I've felt that driving sense of purpose in my career. I almost don't recognize my own voice.

Sometimes the calling is too strong to ignore.

I'm Soooooo Glad Somebody Asked! A Myspace Investigation Question!

This post is actually in reference to a comment left by Kelly on my last post, Wake Me Up When Its My Turn To Talk, in reference to defense attorney, Joseph Caramagno, who showed up sloshed to court.

How did I find his website and How can I be absolutely sure its him? Well let me tell ya!

Obviously, without seeing him directly at his computer, working on his Myspace account, I can never be 100% sure its him. I did several searches on Icerocket using just his name and I didn't get squat. Ditto for searches on Google EXCEPT that on Google, I was pointed to a website that he has registered through Martindale-Hubbell, http://josephcaramagno.com/. A fine place to start a more in-depth search!

I went over to his business website, and checked it out. I clicked on the contact information (which I won't show here but you can do yourself) and copied his email address. I went back to Myspace and did a search DIRECTLY in their search fields for email searches and bada bing bada bang...I have his Myspace page.

It's really no mystery but it does take a bit of work sometimes that Google, Icerocket and other search engines cannot accomplish. I can be sure that the Myspace page is being used by someone who is using the email address they have registered through Martindale-Hubbell and is used as a contact email for potential clients. Thats it folks. Easy stuff huh?

For the record and for those that don't already know, if you were curious to find out more information on JosephCaramagno.com, you can also go to Network Solutions and do a WHOIS search by typing in the URL. It will return any Domain Name registration info it has on the site. Sometimes its registered through companies that will anonymize it but its a good place to get additional contact information on people including home addresses and business addresses.

Wake Me Up When It's My Turn To Talk

Skelly at Arbitrary and Capricious wrote about the now more than ever infamous Las Vegas defense attorney, Mr. Joseph Caramagno.

I was wondering what I could do, to contribute to this not so flattering story of a sleazy defense attorney who showed up drunk for court to represent a client facing a life sentence. Yup, I agree with anyone of us that reads this, to find out he was not a Public Defender, although from what his law firm's webpage says is that he IS a former Prosecutor.

Hmmmm....What to do? Oh, I know...I'LL FIND HIS MYSPACE PAGE!

As far as Myspace pages, Mr. Caramagno's is pretty basic. He has only been a member of Myspace for a little over a month (at least on the account I found) and it appears that he has only stripper friends...I know, I'm thinking the same thing....rough life.

Lets take a quick look at MOUTHPIEZE'S (yes, he put this down as his nickname) description of himself:

About me:6'1" blue lt brown , like clubs,high stakes gambling ,golf, drinking,carousing, working out ,running, livin the dream and enjoying every day like its my last....

Who I'd like to meet:any independant woman who is hotter and smarter than my current...

Quality guy so far huh? Aaaah...We can still can't tell too much about him, lets look at his one and only blog post:

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Title: Las Vegas
attention all visitors 2 vegas... sphearmint rhino is the best strip club in town .... don't let cabbies tell u otherwise....best hotels 2 stay @ venetian,. mandalay, red rock station

Wow...that was a waste of time. Let's look at his pics then shall we?

All fairly harmless I guess. Quite a few photos of himself with a couple of interesting captions (You can click on any one of the pictures on this page to look at the full size image), with my favorite being the following (If you aren't counting the half naked chick):

The caption? The title of this post. Thats what you want when you pay for a private attorney, a guy that looks like he's falling asleep in court.

I Want To Vomit

A recent conversation I had on Google Talk:

Missy: dude I got on an online personals site and waws told I'm 73 percent compatible with MY BROTHER!! that is so wrong

Sancho: holy shit
seriously
i want to vomit

Missy: I didn't even know that he had an online profile... ugh...

Sancho: Can I use that title in my blog?
Heh
Missy: !!!!
I want to vomit?! sure

Sancho: Dude I got on an online personals site and was told I'm 73 percent compatible with MY BROTHER!! NOW THATS A TITLE FOR A POST

Women, Do They Ask Too Much?

***ANOTHER NON-INVESTIGATION RELATED POST***

I read some interesting numbers in the April issue of Men's Health that I've been dying to include here. Yes, I have an issue of Men's Health from April in my house...what do want from me?! I'm a little behind in my reading. I also just recently found out that our country has invaded Iraq and I'm not too happy about it. But that's another post...

As my warning above states, this post doesn't have a damn thing to do with investigations and EVERYTHING to do with women. If you aren't interested in a frank post about my concerns and thoughts on stop reading here because its not going to get any better. Oh, and I'm not going to sneak in any investigations tips on Myspace. Or am I?

MH conducted a survey on What She Really Wants. Yes ladies, you'll all be happy to know that everything you want, crave, and desire has been condensed to three pages in a Men's magazine. If the following percentages prove to be correct...there could be trouble ahead for me, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm only going to focus on few key survey results, which may or may not explain why I'm still single:

What's The Ideal Size, In Girth, For A Man's Penis? Umm, although not the biggest percentages, there were two answers that really surprised me...28% of women said the ideal girth was the size of a raquetball. The size of a fucking raquetball?!? If thats no big deal to you then this one won't bother you either, 2% of women said their ideal girth was someone as big as a soda can. I'm dead serious.

If my future girlfriend ever leaves me for a can of Sprite, I promise you'll never hear from me again.

Rank You Favorite Fantasies

Women ranked the following fantasies in order of favorite to least favorite:

1. She's trapped in a burning building, you're a fireman.

2. She's in trouble, you're a police officer.

3. She's a student, you're a professor.

4. You're strangers.

5. She's a french maid, you're the rich country landowner.

6. She's a patient, you're a doctor.

Women just don't fantasize about PD Investigator's, it's a sad, sad truth.

There is actually a few more I wanted to highlight but the more I thought about it, the worse the idea this post became. So, I think in order to keep this post at least PG-13, I should stop here.

Why I Wish I Worked In The Private Sector Sometimes...

All my knowledge and abilities to locate and cull background info from social networking sites is going to pay off bigtime! Yes indeedy, it most certainly will...just not for me.

Tamara Thompson at PI Buzz recently wrote a post titled, Sell Internet Research To Your Clients. Unfortunately my clients aren't really the paying kind BUT its good to know that someone is using the info for investigative purposes.

I'm saving the really hardcore information gathering techniques for myself and the select few that email me on occassion with questions...although lately I'm batting 0-2 with successful assistance stats so don't be so eager to shoot me a please help me email.

Tamara mentions Myspace and Facebook to name a few of these sites. In almost all of my posts I've focused solely on Myspace but in the near future, I'll expand it...just a weensy bit.

When Is It Okay To Cry?

I read a post by Woman of the Law (another battle scar) a few weeks ago and in the middle of trying to put together a witty comment, I depressed the hell out of myself.

I pride myself on being a tough but gentle kinda dude. I sometimes act tough so I don't get taken advantage of and stomped on at work, and sometimes I even find myself doing it to protect myself in relationships. I've recently discovered that there are occassions that being tough is not possible and I just feel overwhelmed with emotions brought on by work related stress.

Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right, I know I'm not doing jackshit to help anyone, our innocent clients are taking horrific deals because they don't trust a jury of their supposed peers to decide on their fate and they don't really trust their attorney's...It's okay to have a good cry, no?

I think it is.

I hope it is.

Just to be completely 100% clear. I'm talking specifically about crying due to something work related:

Of course you're going to cry if your (insert family members name here) kicks the bucket!

Of course you're going to cry if you sever your finger, an arm, testicle(s), or (insert important body parts here)!

Of course you're going to cry at the end of La Bamba when Richie's brother is standing outside and yell's Riiiiiiiiiiiiiichie!

Of course you're going to cry when your ex-girlfriend drunk dials you one night out of the blue and insists she faked it for the last two years you lived together!

We're talking bout work and only work.

Now, I'm sure you probably don't want to break down in front of a bunch of people if you can help it, especially at work. You probably don't want to break down and cry while driving home because, well...it could be dangerous. You certainly don't want to break down while you're taking a leak in the bathroom because men don't like to see other men crying at the urinals.

It makes them uneasy.

Just trust me.

I can count the number of times I've cried because of job related emotional crap and stress on two hands. I cried my first week as an investigator trainee after I was chased by the subject of my very first surveillance, a domestic case in which our client was seeing a beautiful Bi-Sexual woman 19 years his junior. The woman chased after me in the pouring rain, driving the wrong way down one-way streets. It was ugly. It was also a reminder of why I would never do domestic cases again. I cried because I was a 17 year-old kid and I was scared shitless.

I've interviewed victims and clients families on some felony cases and afterwards I've sped home and called all of my own close friends and family just to tell them (tearfully) that I love them and am happy to have them in my life.

Oh, and I once cried in my office (with the door closed) after one of my clients died.

There are other occassions but I won't bore you with the stories. At the risk of sounding like the biggest pussy in the world of male pussies (it's probably too late now) the crying helped me feel better. Don't ask me how, I can't even explain why...it just did.

I know that we as PD Investigators are usually the first people in the office to make contact with witnesses, victims, and sometimes even clients. We have to be professional and maintain a professional relationship with our subjects BUT we aren't robots. We can't be robots to do this job. If you want to be a robot be a police officer or DA Investigator or some other jagoff law enforcement title.

We do this job because we answered some sort of calling. We decided to take a medicocre wage and high caseload in return for the feeling that what we are doing, is what is right. We are standing up for those that can't stand up for themselves and (feel free to insert some other self-aggrandizing bullshit).

If you are some lucky ass Public Defender(Investigator) that happened to get hired for other reasons...including a plan to only stick around for a year or two to get some trials under your belt...or you are a retired cop that needed a second job to retire from and you can't stand our clients...stop reading RIGHT NOW! You are NEVER allowed to read this blog again. Ever. Oh, and before you stop reading, do everyone a favor and get the fuck out of our world unless your heart is in it!

The toll that our jobs can take on us are really high. I've seen Public Defender's and PDI's with the greatest intentions to do some good, burn out in a couple years on the job. I've heard of the heart problems that some attorney's have, I even know a few attorneys/investigators that pop pills and guzzle liquor like its going outta style.

Wow...I really went all over the place with this. Not exactly what I planned.

Let me come back to my original question. Is it okay to cry as a result of the job or is the fact that I'm crying a reason that maybe, this job isn't for me in the long run?